What is a Blessingway?

I had no idea what a Blessingway was. It sounded a little hippie to me at first but since I dig that sort of thing I read up on it. As I researched, a Blessingway seemed to be a bit ritualistic, a bit Native Americanish, yet also embracing of all types of cultural tradition from around the world.

“Sacred space” were words I kept running into and I was more than intrigued to find out more. When I think of rituals I think of secret things that are done in the woods somewhere. However, I have come to understand that word in a whole other context as I did my research and then attended a Blessingway. They are nothing more than formal observances or gestures collectively done as a group. Each religion is full of ceremony and ritual but as a collective whole in our society, we don’t have a lot of that going on. It tends to feel foreign to us so we shy away from that which makes us feel a little unsettled. I encourage you to read on and discover what I have about this ceremony.

Unlike traditional baby showers where we tend to invite everyone we know from work, all our family and our twenty best college girlfriends; most Blessingways are on the small side. At a Blessingway, the mother only includes the women she feels the closest too and to whom she attains the best support from in her life. A Blessingway is also specific in the rituals that are shared among those in attendance. It’s ceremonial in way so that it maintains a peaceful space for the mother and her baby. There are no party games, food is kept to a minimum and the gifts tend to be geared towards caring for the mother’s needs and not just the babys. Traditional baby showers have their place in helping to ease the financial burden of the new parents to be and in entertaining the guests with allowing them to shop for the latest trend in baby clothes. Showers are a practical occasion with a side dish of party.  A Blessingway is on a whole other level.

The intention of a Blessingway is to help a mother prepare emotionally and spiritually for her birthing. In America, it seems we spend all of our time preparing physically with diet and exercise for birth. We may read a book or two or take a childbirth class but we tend to leave the biggest component out of birth. That component is how the mother is doing with her pregnancy and her upcoming labor process. Labor and birth is transforming and will change the rest of the woman’s life. A Blessingway allows for her to celebrate it on a deep emotional level that we have somehow lost in our culture. Mothers need emotional support and a feeling of community as they embark on their birthing journey. A Blessingway provides that lack of connection in our present day world.

We must remember that in past times, birth was a right of passage into womanhood. Women attended to women throughout their pregnancy and birthing. Birth was a normal occurrence, not medically managed and dictated. The womanly care from sisters, mothers, aunties and friends passed on positive advice and helpful birthing tips and birth stories to help the mother embrace the experience. Breastfeeding support was a given because that was all there was to feed your baby. If there was a glitch in that system, then another woman stepped in as a wet nurse to keep the baby nourished until the mother could resume her role. There was a sense of community that has been lost in today’s materialistic and busy world. A Blessingway helps to restore that and build a stronger foundation for the mother-to-be.

 I felt I almost needed to attend one to really get the feel of why a mother would want one and how this sense of community could be fulfilled. It was not until a mentor doula friend of mine hosted a workshop on how to lead a Blessingway that I finally felt the benefit. She led us through a series of rituals that flowed one to another. We surrounded the pregnant mother with lots of attention and really focused on her. It was not about diaper pin games, nicely wrapped presents and the extravagant food on the table. It was about connecting with mother and baby and the deep communication was almost non-verbal. There was a reverence maintained throughout the Blessingway. We still laughed and talked - so it was not a solemn, serious event but more thought was put into what was talked about it front of the mother. Everything revolved around her and her needs during this pregnancy and what she would need afterward.  The rituals performed had been chosen ahead of time by the mother so they were what she needed to take care of her emotional needs for the labor and birthing process.  We were there to listen and care take any needs she had. I finally understood the “sacred space” phrase I had read so much about. I felt transformed from just attending this workshop and it wasn’t even a real Blessingway. I knew I had to share this and facilitate one soon.

Wasn’t it just dumb luck that Ashley – my teaching partner is pregnant! I explained to her what it was and gave her some books on Blessingways so she could pick out the rituals she would feel comfortable with. Some rituals are very hands on and only the mother knows what she and her guests would be comfortable doing. While a bit hesitant of how it would go (should I be offended at that?), she made a list of her nearest and dearest and I got to work. Normally, a friend or family member would host it and another woman would facilitate it. I did both the hosting and facilitating since no one knew what it was and it was a lot of juggling on the Blessingway night to keep things running smooth. I would highly suggest two different women working together on a Blessingway – it would keep the energy more peaceful.

I felt that the night was going to be magical. Ashley’s Mother-in-law as in town, her friends had been really receptive and I toted my fourteen year old daughter and her friend along so they could enjoy the energy that only comes when women come together, united in purpose.

My daughter’s friend is a Henna Artist so she arrived early to do a Henna design on Ashley’s belly. I then handed over a camera to each girl and let them capture the moments throughout the evening. The nice part about being the facilitator is that you set the tone and the pace for the evening. In order to make everyone feel comfortable with what we were doing, I always went first so they had an example of how things were done. We enjoyed iced tea and cookies before the ceremony – keeping it simple and giving time for everyone to arrive.

We began with a rose water purification ceremony where the women washed their hands and formed a circle around the room.

We then cast our circle to hold the space. A candle was lit and Ashley’s Mother-in-law read the dedication prayer.

Next, we opened with introductions by repeating our maternal linage. This is done by introducing first with our own name, our children’s names if we have children, then our mothers, our grandmothers names.  I began – I am Care, mother to Angie and Finnley.  Daughter of Lynn and granddaughter of Sue and Clyda. This ritual evoked a sisterhood of sorts and connected us all back to who we came from. It was moving.

Ashley then introduced her baby to each guest… and guests read their letter they had written to her new baby.

Guests then began to present their gifts to Ashley. Gifts were anything that would inspire and/or support Ashley in her motherhood journey.

We then let Ashley release any fears she had moving forward into her pregnancy, labor time, birthing and parenting. This was a time for us to just listen and support, not solve or make suggestions.

Next, our circle took hands as a poem was read about the strength of a woman.

Our closing ceremony consisted of two items. The Bracelet of Connectedness held us all together as beads were strung on each wrist to remind us of Ashley & her baby each time we looked down at it. A prayer of thankfulness is to be said when the baby has arrived safely and the bracelet then is cut from our wrists.

A candle was handed out to each guest and lit from Ashley’s candle. Guests will receive a text when labor has been established and they are to say a prayer of good wishes and blow it out once the baby has arrived. The candles reunite our energy at the time when Ashley and her baby most need to feel  it.

We then joined hands one last time, read a poem in unison and concluded the ceremony.

It was a magical evening. Everyone came into it skeptical as to what to expect and then afterwards just wanted to sit and talk with one another. My daughter and her friend had never felt that kind of “spirit” if you will and were so warmed by it. They both asked to help with the next one. Baby showers have their place, but a Blessingway is a much needed gathering to reconnect us as women. It reminds us that our main goal is to support each other in kindness and love. I believe it would begin to change the way our birth our children in strength, unity and love.