I thought birth was something we had to be saved and rescued from. That’s how I saw it portrayed on TV and in the media. That’s what I heard the ladies at church talking about while growing up. I heard the story of my own birth and the horrific pain it involved. Birth is scary, painful and a curse that women have to bear. Although I wanted children, birth terrified me and I was full of fear. And it seemed everyone in authority was in agreement…
However, the messages I heard subconsciously were even worse that the words spoken out loud. Women are weak. Women’s bodies don’t function without help. Women can’t do anything on their own. Women will always be less than. Weak, helpless creatures. Women can’t handle what they were put here to do. Birth is disgusting and dirty. Women’s bodies become ugly and stretched out after giving birth. No one wants to look at you like that. Cover “it” up. Dirty, ugly, smelly… that’s what you are.
I put his out to all of you who were like me – conservative, straight arrow – didn’t vary from the main stream – doctors always knew best, were always in charge and had way more education than I did. I had no need to question them and why would I? When it came to pregnancy, I had 6 miscarriages before they finally discovered I had a simple folic acid deficiency that could be easily remedied with a high dose, making pregnancy attainable. Why did it take 6 babies – that should have been my first clue to question the white coats I was with…
With that first term pregnancy came unbelievable joy and another discovery - that I was allergic to most of the drugs that would be going into my “epiduraled birth.” Now what? I cried for two weeks after my perinatologoist told me I was going to have to have a natural birth. Who even did that and why would they? Scared “#@$&@less” – I was forced to look at the OTHER side of birthing. My birthing history: My grandmother had a twilight induced birth that was so terrible- she only had one child. My mother had “Cone of Ether” births with her first two babies and the next two were medicated to the point that she can’t remember them. Then I came thirteen years later and my mother wanted to change this birth & experience labor and the actual delivery without pain medication. They induced her. My mother regretted my birthing because it was so painful that she made sure the drugs were on board when my little brother’s birth that followed just a year later. One of my older sisters had four, medication free, natural births and the other sister had five C-sections. So, I guess in my mind, I thought I would numb myself and have my babies vaginally – kind of a happy medium between all of my predecessors.
After my two weeks of crying, my niece tipped me towards her method of natural childbirth which seemed way to hippie for me(I thought only hippies did it without drugs – funny because they were known for their extensive use of them!) But I was desperate so I bought “HypnoBirthing, The Mongan Method.” I read the book, was amazed at the simplicity, found a class and became committed(not to a mental hospital, although that’s where my mom thought I should be for looking into this). What other choice did I have? This baby was going to come out and I was SCARED of pain and needles. She was going to squeeze out of where? I was terrified.
HypnoBirthing helped me deal with all of those fears and issues and believe in myself and my body. The whole process and method felt right to me, almost healing in a way. I learned that our bodies were made to birth and that I, personally, was so out of touch with who I was as a woman. Was I ever taught that birth was a natural process? Or had I just ignored it and depended on the white coat who was going to “take care” of the pregnancy for me and “deliver” my baby? I had no idea there were choices to be made or that I could even request things in regards to my baby. What planet was I raised on? Oh – just anywhere in the good ole U S of A, where we keep women in the dark about how powerful they really are… How did we get here?
I hired a doula(after I found out what that was) and began to prepare and practice my relaxation birthing techniques. I educated myself as best I could and started to see “their side” of birth. It was calm and gentle and was being done all over the world. I felt a new sense of power and belief in me and my baby working together to accomplish this amazing task. I moved from a hospital to a birth center- freaking out my husband but he went along with it. I became conscious that it was my baby’s birth, not my comfort level that was important during this process. A few days(10 to be exact) “overdue” but not in a hurry – nature was taking it’s course. And then – at 3:15 am on Feb. 24th, 2008, my water released. I was so excited I was jumping up and down! No fears, no panic – just looking forward to meeting our new little baby. GBS positive, I went to the Birth Center, got my IV then returned home to wait for the surges to begin. After rest and Rainbow relaxation, eating and cleaning, I returned four hours later to get another dose of antibiotics. A very peaceful day, no hurry, no rush and no panic. Once my labor began, I had a wonderful labor in the birthing tub and in two powerful, NOISY pushes – birthed my 8lb 4 oz baby girl. I held her skin to skin for three hours and told her how much I loved her and how long we had waited for her. My husband and our 11 yr old daughter(whom we had adopted)and my best friend, held and cuddled little Finnie and the birth room was filled with pure joy. My baby & I, had the most amazing birth experience and I will always cherish it. In a few hours it became apparent that something was not right with Finnley. We were transferred to Children’s Hospital for observation and during her ambulance ride, Finnley began seizing uncontrollably. What transpired in the next week is beyond description and something I hope no parent has to experience. Finnley was heavily medicated and hooked up to more machines and pic lines than I thought were even possible. Within three days Finnley was given a diagnosis of “brain dead” and we were asked to take her off life support. A HypnoBirthing affirmation came into my mind – “I can handle whatever turn my birthing may take.” Without even knowing it – I had prepped myself for any outcome, good or bad. My precious little, perfect newborn, whom I had held skin to skin, made eye contact with, kissed, smelled and snuggled her back fat – was about to die? Of course denial kept me from that reality for a few days- but that affirmation played over and over in my mind like a mantra – “you can handle whatever turn your birthing may take.”
Life stood still. Finnie was given 24-72 hours to live once off life support. We brought Finnley home with hospice and never put her down. We gave her a bath, dressed her in all of her pretty little outfits, did a family photo shoot and cherished every moment. Many tears, many prayers, a few hundred angels and an affirmation that sustained me.
While the pain was so deep and present, so was God’s love and comfort. I felt strength during those next few weeks. Inside I knew that I would make it through – although I doubted I would make it every second of everyday. What was to be – was to be and it had to be walked through. I believe that all of our hardships challenges and struggles in our lives our lessons we need to refine us. Some of those struggles are imposed on us and others we attract so that we can learn the lesson. You have to walk through the pain to come out the other side. Thank goodness we don’t have to walk it alone.
Well miracles do happen and pain turns into joy. Finnley is three years old now. Diagnosed with unexplained brain damage, cerebral palsy, cortical visionary impairment and the sweetest giggle you have ever heard. She is the light at the end of the long tunnel. I have learned more from this journey and about myself than I could have in any other way. Finnley brought me to where I am and who I am. Thank you Finnley, for beginning my true refining process.
I have become a doula and childbirth educator and just recently have thought about doing the midwife step. I cherish birth and its journey for all involved. I read and study everything I can get my hands when it comes to birth and babies and parents. I am amazed everyday what lessons birth has for all of us.
I attended a life changing workshop this past September with Anna Verwaal and became even more aware of how conscious our babies are during the “growth in the womb” process. If our babies are conscious of what’s going on – then we were too.
As a child and adult, I have always felt rushed and never prepared. It didn’t matter how much time I spent preparing for something – I was never ready. Did you catch the part in my birth history where I said I was an “induced” baby? I wasn’t ready to come out – I needed more time but I was forced out because of someone’s(the doctors) impatience. No wonder I have always had a problem with authority figures! While that resistance to authority figures got me into a lot of trouble as a teenager – it has helped me to succeed as an adult when the cards were stacked against me. Discovering these two things were true “Ahh Ha” moments in my life and have changed the way I live. I have been able to let go of the unprepared feelings and just let it be. I smile at the authority figures now and welcome what they have to say without feeling any pressure that I need to conform. I now feel a freedom that I have longed for but didn’t have words to explain.
When Anna asked me about my own birth – I thought I was a “drug-free birth” because that’s all I had been told. I was also told that my birth was terror filled for my mother, painful for both us and that I had jaundice for two weeks. She said she would never do a “natural birth” again and that she almost died from the pain. Because of the jaundice, I was left in the nursery under lights while my mom was discharged and asked to return home and leave me there alone, for two weeks.
Now that I was a birth worker, I knew the kind of questions I should be asking my mother about my birth. When all of the pieces of my birth story were put into place, the full story was told – I was induced with Pitocin and a lot of it. My mother had severe sciatica pain that ran down her right hip and leg and she could hardly walk the last six weeks of her pregnancy with me. When her Army Doctor saw this, he immediately sent her down to be shaved, prepped for the enema and started the IV for inducement. My mother’s first four births were drugged beyond any memory and so with my birth, she wanted to be fully present. She had made her doctor promise that this birth be “all natural” and that no matter how much she asked for drugs, that she not be given any. My mother was not told that Pitocin would make the contractions much harder and closer together. As a result, she was not fully prepared for the intensity of it and thought natural labor was excruciating(now I understand why she tried to discourage me from a natural birth and was sure that I would not be able to handle it). My “natural birth” was far from natural and quickly turned into agony for my mother. When she did ask for drugs, the doctor refused and upped the dose of Pitocin each time she requested them. So the long and short of it – my birth wasn’t natural, gentle and calm. I was forced out before I was ready and didn’t get to bond with my mother. How sad for both of us…
The connection was made - my two trigger points for my students and doula parents’ births – induction and babies getting no skin to skin time with their mothers, were my own unresolved issues with my birth. I was overwhelmed with emotion. The tears flowed down my cheeks and I could not speak. I felt like I was grieving for the birth I had wanted but had no control over.
Anna then asked me about the birth of my own child. To recount - Finnley was ten days over and I was adamant that mother nature would get her out when she was ready. I ignored talk of induction and knew it would never be part of my birth plan. I too experienced sciatica down my right hip and leg, just like my mother had – but I made different choices. After a six hour short and painless labor, I put Finnley on my chest skin to skin, rubbed the vernix into her skin and cuddled the heck out of her. I spoke softly to her and was present for her early moments in life. I gave Finnley what I was not given – a peaceful, gentle beginning with her mom. Did I know that she needed that subconsciously? Of course… Because that’s what I needed. That workshop changed the way I view birth and how I present it to my students. We need to be conscious about our beginnings in order to gift a better future to our children. My message to all birth workers – is discover your birth. Ask yourself: What do I bring in unconsciously to the parents I am helping? I encourage you to resolve it and births will begin to transform you like never before. The connections will be deeper and you will be more present for your parents and the babies you are helping come into the world. Behaviors, fears and anxieties, as well as love, gentility and peace - are set within our souls while in the wombs of our mothers.
What a true blessing to prepare for a natural birth. Make no mistake – it takes a lot of preparation and it’s worth it – every bit of time and effort involved.
What do I know about birth now? I know that women are strong. Women are powerful. Women were made to birth their babies. Women can do it – in their own time, in their own way – with their own innate wisdom. Women don’t need to be rescued. The vulva(yes, I said the word) is at it’s most beautiful transformation when a baby crowns and slides out into his mother’s hands. I know that the natural birth community is full of the strongest, most fearless women on the planet. I know that women have choices and that as women, we should support those choices, especially about birth– whether we agree with them or not. Women should support women.
I also know that hospitals are there to help if a little hiccup comes along. They are not to be feared. Gathering a supportive care provider takes the worry out of a hospital and ensures that I will not be dictated to. Doctor’s do not need to rescue me, but are there as a backup after I have done the research. I understand that I pay them, I am the consumer and I have a say in what procedures I want done to my body and my baby’s. I am so glad for technology when it is needed but I tend to do better without it. But that’s not to say that all women are like me and I accept that and support them.
Please know that many women have walked this journey and are here to walk it with you. While it may seem daunting and even overwhelming at times – undisturbed birth it is attainable and pleasurable. Birth is magnificent and transforming. You can do it. You can do it. You will be doing it… My hope is that you come to know that… 
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